Countree of Knowledge

Honey and a sex-deprived spider monkey. You never thought you’d see those two together in a sentence but now you have. Congratulations! You can die happy and fulfilled! Back to the first sentence of this post…It may appear that honey and a sex-deprived spider monkey have nothing in common but that couldn’t be further from the truth. As a matter of fact, there is one attribute that they share. They can do anything!!

A spider monkey can fuck a(n) duck, chair, car, platypus, sneaker, doorknob, shirt, ear, spoon, kite, and just about anything else. Honey can be used in the following ways:

-Medicinal Purposes (soothe a sore throat)
-Term of Endearment (“Honey, I can’t find my pants!”)
-Condiment (honey mustard and honey BBQ sauce)
-Pastry Snack (honeybuns)
-Cereal (honeycombs)
-Melon (honeydew)
-Sweetener (tea or oatmeal)
-Torture (Scaphism)

Honey is also religiously significant in Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, and Christianity. To top these all off, honey also employs Winnie-the-Pooh as its celebrity endorser.

We all know how honey is made. The process involves 1 part bee, 1 part nectar, and 1 part Barry White. However, a recent conversation with my girlfriend enlightened me to a missing part of the honey-making process. Before I get to that, just some quick background info. Girlfriend is a self-proclaimed country bumpkin hailing from the alligator-friendly state of Louisiana. She has a lot of knowledge pertaining to woodsy-type things so from time to time, she’ll drop some country knowledge on my city-slicker ass, usually leaving my jaw agape. So anyway, we were talking about bees on leashes and she decided to throw this ditty in there:

GF: “Hey, didja know that honey is bee barf?”

Just like that, loyal blog reader. No warning, nothing. 

He likes making honey too!

She has done this before when she gave me a heads-up that eggs are chicken periods. I guess I sort of knew that already as I thought eggs were not-yet-formed chicks. It’s weird to think that when you get two yolks in one egg, you’re eating twins…almost like getting two fruit-by-the-foots in one package! As a result of having my brain slammed with information that would’ve been better off left unknown, I hardly eat omelettes or go Easter egg hunting. The image of a bee barfing will most likely prevent me from eating my delicious honey fluffernutter sandwiches and honey&milk concoction. 

If there’s one thing you take from this post, think twice before calling your significant other “honey”.