Gratification: Percolated or Instant?

Albert Einstein once said, “Space and time are modes by which we think, not conditions under which we live.” That Einstein’s a smart one, ain’t he? It’s easy to see what Mr. Einstein was talking about with an example. You’re sitting in a class in which the teacher is droning on and on about, let’s saaay, Antarctican history. Now you might think that Antarctica’s history goes something like, “Beginning of time-2012: Freezing cold. Penguins be there. Maybe a Walrus but who knows. We don‘t know how to use Google.” But actually, it has a quite extensive history but that isn’t the point. You really don’t care to hear about it so you look at the clock and it’s 11:43. Okay, not so bad. There’s only 17 minutes left to class so you sit there for what feels like 7 hours. You look at the clock again expecting to see that this douchebag went way past the end of class. To your dismay, the clock mocks you with a reading of 11:46! HA HA! At this rate, you’ll be stuck there for eternity! On the flip side, if you’re spending time with your significant other and really enjoying it, time throws on its red and white shoes and goes Sonic the Hedgehog on your ass.

The blue anthropomorphic personification of time when you’re having fun

Gratification is a feeling of pleasure, enjoyment, delight, etc. It’s that feeling you get when you open a book to the exact page you wanted or when you build a 6-foot tower of cards and it doesn’t collapse. Hell, even building a 1-foot tower would make me feel like I just conquered Everest. Gratification comes in 2 forms, which are delayed gratification and instant gratification. Delayed gratification is seen as virtuous whereas the instant version is not seen as such. When one invests much time and effort into a particular venture, project, or whatnot, they’ll feel a bigger sense of accomplishment than one who laid around on their ass all day doin’ diddly (that sounds kinda dirty…please don‘t do that) and got the same result.

Those of you against instant gratification, I ask you this: When you eat a monster load of Mexican food, then have to drop a monster load of Mexican food, which type of gratification would you prefer?

There’s a rumor going around that claims man invented time. If man did NOT invent time, then there would be no distinction between delayed and instant gratification as they would both exist in the same continuum! Ah HA! Don’t you see how much time messes us up?! You are a slave to time! Here’s how you can tell time to kiss your ass. Take every watch, clock, phone, and sundial you own and chuck that crap into the ocean. You will never be “5 minutes late” or wait on Amusement Park ride lines for 6 hours because everything that is, has been, or will be exists at the same um……uh….time….

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National Countdown Day

Seeing as the date is 3/21, I have decided to declare that today is official "National Countdown Day".

Counting down to next year's National Countdown Day!

So grab the champagne, have a countdown, then pop that bubbly!

The Bermuda (give it the ol' college) Triangle

The legend of the Bermuda Triangle is well-known as there have been quite a few disappearances over the years. In 1918, the USS Cyclops lost all of its crew and passengers while traveling from Barbados to Maryland. On December 5, 1945, 5 TBM Avenger torpedo bombers disappeared were slated to complete a training flight, aka ”Flight 19”. They were supposed to fly 141 miles east of Fort Lauderdale, then 73 miles north, and finally return on a 140-mile path back to the base. They never returned. As you can see, going anywhere near this infamous void in the sea will frighten some people as they entertain the possibility of being abducted by Aliens, devoured by lovely Greek mythological monster known as Charybdis, or entering a portal to another realm of existence (maybe “Lost“ is messing with their head).

Sure, there are natural reasons for boats, planes, people, and my turkey sandwich to go AWOL, one of which is that “compass north” and “true north” aren’t identical for most places. A lot of people may not know about that tidbit of information so they’ll believe that there is something weird going on. In actuality though, compass and true north will differ over an area as large as the Bermuda Triangle. Two other possible reasons to explain Bermuda Triangle disappearances are human error and inclement weather. Since natural reasons are boring for many (myself included), they are discarded and the eerie legend of the Triangle lives on.

 I’ll be the first one to admit that I will try my darndest to not be near the Bermuda Triangle but it’s definitely not for any of the supernatural reasons that were previously mentioned. Let’s step into the confession booth and I’ll tell you why I’m petrified of the Bermuda Triangle.

Scalene, Isosceles, or Equilateral?

Do you see that? In case you haven’t noticed, that looks a lot like a geometry example. So what’s the big deal?

I despise geometry with every fiber of my being. I wish I was fatter so I could hate it even more.
Math loves to stick its dick in my skull and fuck my brain ‘til it explodes

Math has always been a tough subject for me but geometry is the ninth. level. of. hell. If math was human, it would be 16”4, weigh 20 tons, and excel at Origami. The shapes within shapes within shapes (very Russian, I know), shapes in shaded areas, hypotenuses, theorems, mystery angles, formulas and other TOTs (Topics Of Torture) were created to induce hysteria.

Way back in high school. I stood up in the middle of class and addressed my teacher with the following:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been in your class for 47 days and, although you have performed an exemplary job at teaching your pupils mathematics, specifically geometry, I must inform you that the whole spectrum of math is one of great difficulty for me to grasp. At this point, I must make haste to a remote mountain location to deeply immerse myself in the ways of the wolves. With a heavy heart and tremendous hope for a return, I bid you and my fellow peers adieu.

Okay. So maybe it didn’t go down exactly like that…What actually came out was this amazing piece of wisdom:
 “EEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” with a subsequent leap out the 2nd story window, miraculously landing on my feet (albeit on top of someone else), followed by an arm-flailing gibberish-spewing sprint towards the horizon. On the way, I managed to stop off at a convenience store to pick up some peeps and Dr. Pepper. I love me some peeps!

Do yourself an unfavor and check out Pascal’s theorem and if your brain hasn’t melted into a gray gelatinous puddle oozing out of your ears, go out and buy a T-shirt that says “I survived Pascal‘s theorem and all I fiaufnseruignyivhidf“. You deserve it.

A Bag of Cheats

Hundreds of millions of years ago, I was approached by a friend of mine who was very much in need of my help. A history final was coming up and he was having doubts about his knowledge regarding the subject. I figured this is a good time to dole out some advice so I told him:

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”

Not the greatest piece of advice, I’ll admit, but advice nonetheless. I walked away believing this would put his mind at ease but his continuous pleading assured me that it didn’t. I was wondering why he was so adamant about having me assist him when there were other more “qualified” candidates. The only thing I ever did with history in school was sell my notes for $20 a pop. Maybe he liked my entrepreneurial pursuits. Who knows? I eventually agreed to help this poor fella (against my better judgment as I am very anti-cheating) and soon thereafter, we devised an ingenious scheme. Our master plan had me inform the proctor that I was famished from not eating that morning so I need to eat the bag of M&Ms I had with me. My friend and I chose orange, blue, green, yellow, and red to represent a letter from A to E for multiple choice questions.

Wanted for aiding and abetting

As far as essay questions were concerned, we didn’t have enough colors to make up for the other 21 letters of the alphabet so he was on his own. As it turned out, I could’ve used his help as my essays were half a page each. Space allotted for each essay question? 3 pages. Are ya kidding?? But I digress. We were doing just fine for about 15 minutes as I kept sliding the correct colors into the “answer zone” on my desk. Then the totally foreseeable happened. As the test progressed, we began to run out of colors! At some point, letters A and D were no longer in use. I could see my friend crossing his mental fingers hoping that the remainder of the questions had B, C, or E as the correct answer. Then my sugar addiction kicked in. I ended up wolfing down the rest of the “answers”, effectively abandoning him on an island of his own stupidity.

He should’ve bought me a King-Size bag.

Countree of Knowledge

Honey and a sex-deprived spider monkey. You never thought you’d see those two together in a sentence but now you have. Congratulations! You can die happy and fulfilled! Back to the first sentence of this post…It may appear that honey and a sex-deprived spider monkey have nothing in common but that couldn’t be further from the truth. As a matter of fact, there is one attribute that they share. They can do anything!!

A spider monkey can fuck a(n) duck, chair, car, platypus, sneaker, doorknob, shirt, ear, spoon, kite, and just about anything else. Honey can be used in the following ways:

-Medicinal Purposes (soothe a sore throat)
-Term of Endearment (“Honey, I can’t find my pants!”)
-Condiment (honey mustard and honey BBQ sauce)
-Pastry Snack (honeybuns)
-Cereal (honeycombs)
-Melon (honeydew)
-Sweetener (tea or oatmeal)
-Torture (Scaphism)

Honey is also religiously significant in Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, and Christianity. To top these all off, honey also employs Winnie-the-Pooh as its celebrity endorser.

We all know how honey is made. The process involves 1 part bee, 1 part nectar, and 1 part Barry White. However, a recent conversation with my girlfriend enlightened me to a missing part of the honey-making process. Before I get to that, just some quick background info. Girlfriend is a self-proclaimed country bumpkin hailing from the alligator-friendly state of Louisiana. She has a lot of knowledge pertaining to woodsy-type things so from time to time, she’ll drop some country knowledge on my city-slicker ass, usually leaving my jaw agape. So anyway, we were talking about bees on leashes and she decided to throw this ditty in there:

GF: “Hey, didja know that honey is bee barf?”

Just like that, loyal blog reader. No warning, nothing. 

He likes making honey too!

She has done this before when she gave me a heads-up that eggs are chicken periods. I guess I sort of knew that already as I thought eggs were not-yet-formed chicks. It’s weird to think that when you get two yolks in one egg, you’re eating twins…almost like getting two fruit-by-the-foots in one package! As a result of having my brain slammed with information that would’ve been better off left unknown, I hardly eat omelettes or go Easter egg hunting. The image of a bee barfing will most likely prevent me from eating my delicious honey fluffernutter sandwiches and honey&milk concoction. 

If there’s one thing you take from this post, think twice before calling your significant other “honey”.

Caveat Emptor

I was never a tea drinker but I started drinking the brew around 2009. It doesn’t taste so bad and aside from the health benefits and making me feel like an alchemist, there are some really good flavors. Yesterday, I was at the supermarket on a mission to buy more tea. As I was checking out the tranquil scenes on some of the boxes, I came across Sleepytime tea.

TranquiliTea!

There’s a rug, a sleeping cat, a plant, some bottles/vases, a muffin, honey, a teapot, a retro radio, a plush chair, and a roaring fire. This box exudes warmth and relaxation, right? I mean, just look at that damn bear! He obviously enjoys his Sleepytime tea…

Maybe a little too much.

The bear appears to be sleeping but upon closer inspection, you can see that the bear has moved on to the big cave in the sky. I’ll fill you in on what this tea company doesn’t tell you. The “time” element of “Sleepytime”? Yeah, that’s for E-T-E-R-N-I-T-Y.

Oh, I also discovered that, apparently, you can have a cup of death with a tinge of French Vanilla.

I thought this bear was taking in the beautiful scenery around him whilst sleeping in his hammock. What tipped me off was the bird. This particular bird, you see, happens to be carnivorous and his favorite snack is a bag of “Ursus arctos horriblis”. The bird knows that the bear just drank the “Elixir of Nixer”so he‘s just waiting to feast on this lifeless creature. 

My advice? Stay away from these teas or, like these bears, you’ll be hibernating for more than just the winter.