The Bermuda (give it the ol' college) Triangle

The legend of the Bermuda Triangle is well-known as there have been quite a few disappearances over the years. In 1918, the USS Cyclops lost all of its crew and passengers while traveling from Barbados to Maryland. On December 5, 1945, 5 TBM Avenger torpedo bombers disappeared were slated to complete a training flight, aka ”Flight 19”. They were supposed to fly 141 miles east of Fort Lauderdale, then 73 miles north, and finally return on a 140-mile path back to the base. They never returned. As you can see, going anywhere near this infamous void in the sea will frighten some people as they entertain the possibility of being abducted by Aliens, devoured by lovely Greek mythological monster known as Charybdis, or entering a portal to another realm of existence (maybe “Lost“ is messing with their head).

Sure, there are natural reasons for boats, planes, people, and my turkey sandwich to go AWOL, one of which is that “compass north” and “true north” aren’t identical for most places. A lot of people may not know about that tidbit of information so they’ll believe that there is something weird going on. In actuality though, compass and true north will differ over an area as large as the Bermuda Triangle. Two other possible reasons to explain Bermuda Triangle disappearances are human error and inclement weather. Since natural reasons are boring for many (myself included), they are discarded and the eerie legend of the Triangle lives on.

 I’ll be the first one to admit that I will try my darndest to not be near the Bermuda Triangle but it’s definitely not for any of the supernatural reasons that were previously mentioned. Let’s step into the confession booth and I’ll tell you why I’m petrified of the Bermuda Triangle.

Scalene, Isosceles, or Equilateral?

Do you see that? In case you haven’t noticed, that looks a lot like a geometry example. So what’s the big deal?

I despise geometry with every fiber of my being. I wish I was fatter so I could hate it even more.
Math loves to stick its dick in my skull and fuck my brain ‘til it explodes

Math has always been a tough subject for me but geometry is the ninth. level. of. hell. If math was human, it would be 16”4, weigh 20 tons, and excel at Origami. The shapes within shapes within shapes (very Russian, I know), shapes in shaded areas, hypotenuses, theorems, mystery angles, formulas and other TOTs (Topics Of Torture) were created to induce hysteria.

Way back in high school. I stood up in the middle of class and addressed my teacher with the following:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been in your class for 47 days and, although you have performed an exemplary job at teaching your pupils mathematics, specifically geometry, I must inform you that the whole spectrum of math is one of great difficulty for me to grasp. At this point, I must make haste to a remote mountain location to deeply immerse myself in the ways of the wolves. With a heavy heart and tremendous hope for a return, I bid you and my fellow peers adieu.

Okay. So maybe it didn’t go down exactly like that…What actually came out was this amazing piece of wisdom:
 “EEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” with a subsequent leap out the 2nd story window, miraculously landing on my feet (albeit on top of someone else), followed by an arm-flailing gibberish-spewing sprint towards the horizon. On the way, I managed to stop off at a convenience store to pick up some peeps and Dr. Pepper. I love me some peeps!

Do yourself an unfavor and check out Pascal’s theorem and if your brain hasn’t melted into a gray gelatinous puddle oozing out of your ears, go out and buy a T-shirt that says “I survived Pascal‘s theorem and all I fiaufnseruignyivhidf“. You deserve it.